Who Needs Phones When You Have A Laptop
by jendazzle
Summary: Come in and read the comical Msn lingo between the characters of Twilight. Its so Ridiculous, that its humorous.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: I do not own anything Twilight, sadly, I wish I did. (Of course only when it comes to the series, and not that shameful movie.)

So I decided on trying out a different approach to my fan fictions. You probably wont think its great, but please please **REVIEW!!!*** And I shall grant you the favor back.

Basically something like, well you can call it Msn. Pretty lame, I know, but whatever.

Bella's Room 2:28 am.

_Tinkle toes: Why in god's gracious earth are YOU on the computer at 2:38 in the morning?!_

**Bella: Psht. Studying**

_Tinkle Toes: Yes, I suppose the anatomy of my brother's body is quite the subject_

**Bella: OMG!!! How'd you ever guessss!? Since your looovving brother doesn't let me get close-dfhkdfahsdfa8fya93**

_Tinkle Toes: What the hell is going on!?_

**Bella: Your brothers9fdjafdkja933wjd1931`1;2';~!**

_Tinkle Toes: Edward, your lame attempt at getting Bella to not converse with me what in fact you two are doing is rather dumb, since I can just look into my mind and find out for my self._

**Bella: Ooooo Alice baby, I just saw your bruhda almost nakkkkahhhhd.**

_Tinkle Toes: Bahaahaha. That I know. Hmm, so that's what my brother does in the late hours of the night while in your presence, takes a shower and then accidentally drops the towel that's "tightly" wrapped around his waist, therefore exposing his whole backside to you._

**Bella: LOL!**

_Tinkle Toes: STOP THAT!!_

**Bella: WHAT!? Stop what!? Lol**

_Tinkle Toes: Talking like a bamboozled fool._

**Bella: Shussshh I'm tired**

_Tinkle Toes: So then sleep_

**Bella: Well miss Alice, why aren't you sleeping?**

_Tinkle Toes: That is by far the stupidest thing I have ever heard crawl its way out of your mouth_

**Bella: Aliccee can't sleep cause she's too busy thinking about touching her sweet Jasper**

_Tinkle Toes: Well, it's more than what you and Edward are doing. Oh tell Edward that in 35 minutes Charlie is going to here some raccoons tripping over the garbage can in your backyard and will casually come upstairs to check on you._

**Bella: Well then, Charlie will walk in. And find me wrapped in Edwards embrace, naked.**

_Tinkle Toes: Yes, hilarious. Now you triggered a reaction so goodbye and goodnight while I go find my Jasper and make sweet love to him all night._

**Bella: Woo Hoooo!!!!!!!**

_Tinkle Toes: I was joking….well, no. but silence. Goodnight._


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note: I do not own anything Twilight.

So chapter 2.

I know the concept is lame. But really, I don't care.

So READ and PLEASE **REVIEW**

The Cullen house  10:03 pm

**Cullen: Why are you sitting in the room 4 doors away from me and talking to me when you can just walk to my room?**

_Manhood69: Well why don't you come over to my room Edward darling?_

**Cullen: Sigh; sometimes I truly wonder what interests Rosalie about you….**

_Manhood69: Why, such a horrid, obvious question. My massive, rock hard chest, chiseled jaw and huge southern areas of course_

**Cullen: By huge you mean, microscopic**

_Manhood69: That actually made no sense_

**Cullen: Shut up I'm trying to study**

_Manhood69: HA! Study, for what? The millionth time you've gone through grade 12? Or are you looking up some new ways to impress your human nymphomaniac…_

**Cullen: Unless you want me to dislocate your jaw and then shove it down your throat, I suggest you sew your mouth shut with a piece of wire**

_Manhood69: Ooohh why so serious Edward love?_

**Cullen: Edward LOVE!?**

_Manhood69: Just something me and Rosalie were discussing last night before we had….oh um…...ha..before we "studied"….._

_But of course you would know all about "studying" right?_

**Cullen: I really don't have much to say to you at the moment considering that I am busy**

_Manhood69: Why Edward you've always been such a…words man. Well, from what I've heard of your sensual ventures_

**Cullen: Do I have to remind you that last week, all night last week to be precise, I had to hear the annoying panting and moaning and "Oh's" flooding my mind while I was trying to read?**

_Manhood69: And who told you to listen dear brother? Haha_

**Cullen: You say that as if I have a splendid choice to choose from**

_Manhood69: Speaking of choices, when are you going to suave-y your self in on your one and only?_

**Cullen: Enough. Goodbye dear brother I am off to Bella's, I hope next time you and Rosalie have fun that she splits you in half during the process**

_Manhood69: Or in other words, what you want to do to dear sweet Bella_

**Cullen: Basturd**


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Note: I do not own anything Twilight.

Yes I know their really short but well what can I say?

Nothing really.

So once again PLEASE **REVIEW**

Computer Class 11:03 am

**Edward, **_Alice, _Bella

_Tinkle Toes: Look at Mr. Tongs pit stains_

Bella: I KNOW! Their huge eh?

**Cullen: Do you two have to be so un-cultured when in each others presence?**

_Tinkle Toes: Oh Edward stop being such a school boy priss_

Bella: LOL

_Tinkle Toes: Ugh, Bella please, enough with that dumbfounded phrase. Every time you say that I picture you sitting behind some crack house smoking a joint_

Bella: WHAT!? How does "lol" A.K.A "laugh out loud" have any relation with someone who smokes pot?

_Tinkle Toes: Ha. Can't you just picture it? Bella behind some broken red brick building, her hair matted to the back of her neck and a joint twitching in her right hand?_

**Cullen: Is this the ridiculous type of conversations you two have when around each other?**

Bella: But babbbyyyy where not around each other

**Cullen: We are all sitting within 2 rows of each other**

_Tinkle Toes: Smart ass_

Bella: Party Pooper

_Tinkle Toes: Ass licker_

Bella: Mountain lion ass licker

_Twinkle Toes: Fun sucker_….

_Tinkle Toes: Edward have you ever trimmed your armpit hair?_

**Cullen: What type of preposterous question is that!?**

_Tinkle Toes: Well, obviously a preposterous one_

**Cullen: First of all would I ever ask you anything ludicrous like that? Secondly, no why would I? I am not an untamed beast**

_Tinkle Toes: So by untamed beast you mean you do trim them_

**Cullen: I just said I didn't**

_Tinkle Toes: But you said that you weren't an untamed beast, meaning that you tame yourself_

Bella: Sexually

**Cullen: What did you say?**

_Tinkle Toes: She's implying, valued brother of mine that you refuse to give beloved Bella some sexual relief_

Bella: Amen to that

**Cullen: I don't know what it is with this family and sex…but I refuse to answer such utterly idiotic questions**


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: I own nothing Twilight

Chapter 4 so once again Read and Review, and if you have any ideas, feel free to tell me and I'll give you credit for it.

**REVIEW**

Cullen House-Jasper, Emmet

Library-Edward

5:44 pm

**Edward, **_Emmet, _Jasper

**Cullen: You two invited me into this conversation when I am inevitably here at the library with a bunch of other people doing a group assignment because you wanted to tell me….?**

_Manhood69: Not tell you brother, give you_

IllustriousMediator: Actually more like guide you…

**Cullen: Guide me….**

_Manhood69: Into the socket…_

IllustriousMediator: Oh Emmet, quit being so blunt

**Cullen: relinquish yourselves **

_Manhood69: Edward the V-I-R-G-I-N_

**Cullen: Emmet, the untamable beast**

IllustriousMediator: EH! From what I heard, that's you….and the nickname that Alice has acquired from you. So therefore don't take her saying…

**Cullen: Ohhh. But I thought I was such a words man, meaning, I can take whatever I want, and besides, I founded it.**

_Manhood69: take, as in something precious belonging to Miss Isabella Swannnn_

IllustriousMediator: Poor Edward, my soothing presence isn't there to comfort him. Knowing you, if you could sweat, you'd be dropping bullets from your ever growing anger right now…

**Cullen: Genuine, nice men**

_Manhood69: I thought you were studying with others_

**Cullen: That I am**

IllustriousMediator: So then why converse with us…?

**Cullen: Real clever guys, both of you.**

_Manhood69: Tell us a tale oh 'comforting' one_

**Cullen: Yes, tell me why you two are in the same house and talking on the computer together**

IllustriousMediator: Simple. Emmet's upstairs in his room and I am sitting on the deck outside…..topless.

_Manhood69: He's just trying to capture the attention of the rodents with his oh so glittery chest…Mmm, I have a strange temptation to tap dance…_

**Cullen: Tap dance on the illustrious one's face**

IllustriousMediator: I thought we were here to guide Eddie

**Cullen: EDDIE!?**

_Manhood69: Yes Eddie._

IllustriousMediator: Edward, Eddie, Ed, Edwardo…..

**Cullen: I feel like I am the only one who ****doesn't ****need to find a hobby…..**

_Manhood69: back to why we're here..._

**Cullen: Yes arbitrator….**

IllustriousMediator: sex. sex. sex. sex. sex……….sex with our women…

**Cullen: oh come on…why does everyone in this family talk about that?**

_Manhood69: because brother, your are suffering from lack there of_

**Cullen: And I am fine regarding it**

IllustriousMediator: We're not asking you if you're fine with that…

_Manhood69: We're simply asking you to listen to our tales_

IllustriousMediator: Our sensual tales…..

_Manhood69: Like when me and Rosalie finished up on Edwardo's Volvo_

**Cullen: YOU WHAT!?**

IllustriousMediator: I told you Emmet, you shouldn't have mentioned that

_Manhood69: Did you ever notice the ass grove at the front of your car…._

**Cullen: You told me that you and Jasper started wrestling and that you threw him with such intensive force into the garage wall and that he then bounced onto my car….**

IllustriousMediator: Obviously a terrible lie, considering that I would beat Emmet's ass in 4 seconds.

_Manhood69: hey now…and besides, that is your fault Eddie for not conversing the issue face to face, you would have been able to tell if I was lying…._

**Cullen: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TEXT MESSAGED ME!!**

IllustriousMediator: Mmmm..harder…oh yes YES!

**Cullen: What the hell are you saying?**

_Manhood69: What he's trying to say is lighten up….spark a light….get laid_

IllustriousMediator: I remember one time Alice almost tore me to pieces. We were in the kitchen, thankfully everyone was out hunting, and you should see how much that tiny one can bounce let me tell you….

**Cullen: sickening**

_Manhood69: Hilarious!_

IllustriousMediator: Real…as in Edwardo is a real homo

**Cullen: Real, as in….you two are real low lives…**

****Cullen has left the conversation****


	5. Chapter 5

Authors Note:

Hey guys, so it's been a while since I last wrote anything so I put this together as I was drinking an Oreo strawberry milkshake and watching Vampire Diaries, which I have to say I think is my new favorite obsessions.

I went out and bought the novel (which contained the first 2 novels in 1) and wound up finishing it in about 2 days. Its great, if you haven't checked it out yet definitely go for it.

But oh hush Jennifer; we are here for Twilight, not Vampire Diaries.

So once again, same idea.

Msn Lameness.

Ah and of course, I do NOT own anything Twilight.

**Bella:** Edward, what the hell are you doing?

_Cullen:_ What do you mean 'what the hell am I doing?'

I'm reading.

**Bella: **Your reading? Edward you're supposed to be here in 5 minutes.

_Cullen:_ Bella really, reconsider your sentences before they come spewing out of your mouth. You know I can get there in 3 minutes by foot or car.

**Bella: **Speaking of the word mouth….Edward you love me right?

_Cullen: _You are being platitudinous.

**Bella:** well, I was thinking, maybe tonight we can you know, explore our physical options.

_Cullen: _What the hell have my brothers been telling you?!

**Bella: **LOL! Nothing. It's just that, well I don't know. Apart from us having these boundaries, I am FEMALE and not to mention HUMAN and I need things that will oh float me up from my sense of reality.

_Cullen: _ I'll buy you a bottle of scotch.

**Bella:** Ah, you're impossible sometimes.

_Cullen:_ I am far from realistic, I am simply sensible.

_Cullen:_ Oh for godsa-

**Bella: what's wrong? Are you alright!?**

_Cullen: _ I'll be back; Emmet is calling me into the other room.

**Bella**: Alright well, I'm going to be a completely needy psycho and remain talking to you.

**Bella:** Edward………Edward……..EDWARD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

**Bella: **Yes, that was my attempt in trying to trick you into believing that I was in some harm in order for you to get here faster.

**Bella:** well, laaa dee daa. Edward…I'm only in a robe right now.

**Bella:** And now I'm untying it.

**Bella: **And now I am letting it slip from my body onto the floor.

**Bella:** Just so you know my love, if you're not going to grant me any sexual-type outlet, well then maybe I'm just going to have to experiment with my own hands….

*Bella has been disconnected.*

(5 minutes later)

**Bella has signed on**

_Cullen: _ Charlie came upstairs and you got startled.

**Bella:** You Basturd, lol.


	6. Chapter 6

Authors note:

Hey guys…

So my idea for this story is actually going further than I thought.

Meaning that even though currently there are only 8 reviews for this story, well those 8 reviews are telling me to write more, so that is what I plan to do.

Make sure to check out my other stories as well, and I should also mention that I am a Beta Editor, so if anyone wants me to check over something just send it my way.

Oh and forgive me for this chapter, I had to write something really fast and I couldn't think of much. But if anyone wants to give me an idea for a conversation or scenario for this story, I will be glad to write it and give you credit for it.

xo

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(Manhood69-Emmet)

(Sparklehair-Rosalie)

****Sparklehair has signed in using a mobile device**

_Sparklehair: where are you?_

**Manhood69: hey baby, I'm at home about to cut the grass. Where are you?**

_Sparklehair: I'm still shopping, ugh you know what I wish?_

**Manhood69: tell me oh delicious one of mine.**

_Sparklehair: well, I wish we were able to sit down it restaurant, order something and eat it. Like wouldn't it be great if we can go to a restaurant and say. "Hello, may I please heave a live goat on a silver platter please." _

**Manhood69: oh we can wish. So anyways babe, I was thinking, when you get home, we can you know, 'christen' the new furniture.**

_Sparklehair: Ooo, do elaborate._

**Manhood69: well you know, it's not like we use the new beds for sleeping, and I figured we have to find some way to break them in…**

_Sparklehair: I like the way your talking oh manly one. _

**Manhood69: babe, I wish you were here this instant. That black dress you have clinging to your ace body, your hair grazing the ends of your breasts…**

_Sparklehair: Psht. Since when the heck did you become such a poet?_

**Manhood69: Shh. Your wrecking my vision. **

**Manhood69: Mmm and the best is when your hair tickles my pelvis when your giving me a blo-…when your giving me, oral sex.**

_Sparklehair: Ohhh. Trying to censor your words today are you. Well, imagine this 'oh manly one'…_

_Sparklehair: I'm making my way on top of you, a cherry in my lips just the way you like it. I turn around so that you can see my amazing backside as I let that black dress fall to the ground in front of you…._

**Manhood69: oh god babe, hold that thought these pants are making it very uncomfortable to feel comfortable, I'm just going to run downstairs and grab another pair from the laundry room.**

_Sparklehair: ah fine. Hurry up I'm in the car now and I like this idea of talking to you when I'm parked in the car, all by myself. *wink*_

**Manhood69: hey there sweet cheeks, I have returned.**

_Sparklehair: finally, and don't call me that, you know I don't like it._

**Manhood69: Au contraire sweetums.**

_Sparklehair: Emmet, what the hell is wrong with you_

**Manhood69: I'm just leading up to asking you the question that I have been dying to ask you for some time now.**

_Sparklehair: well what is it then? Go ahead ask._

**Manhood69: How would you feel if we brought another lady into the bed room.**

_Sparklehair: you obviously want to be burned at the stake._

**Manhood69: come on, think about it…you me and a little something extra for the both of us. **

**Manhood69: Me licking you, you licking me, her licking us. It would be great.**

_Sparklehair: will she provide as dinner afterwards?_

**Manhood69: whatever you want babe.**

_Sparklehair: Oh you're an idiot._

***Sparklehair has signed off of mobile device.***

**Manhood69: gosh, I was only joking.**


	7. Chapter 7

So today for some reason I am in a very giddy mood, so I decided to put it all on paper.

I'm really enjoying writing these short conversations and actually find myself cracking up at some points.

Well you know the routine.

Please review.

And I do realize that this is very out of 'Twilight' character, and I was feeling a bit iffy about this idea. But then I realized……..

Psht so is everything else on this website.

Hope you guys enjoy.

**Tinkle toes has signed on **

**Bella has signed on **

**Cullen has signed on.**

**IllustriousMediator has signed on.**

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Tinkle toes: Oh the joys of computer class

_IllustriousMediator: Oh the joys of you sitting on top me_

**Cullen: oh for god sakes**

Bella: more! I want to hear more! Ahaha

Tinkle toes: Jasper, look what you did.

**Cullen: yes Jasper, look what you did. Now go fetch the newspaper.**

_IllustriousMediator: Jacob Black_

**Cullen: bahaha mongrel.**

Bella: so not nice.

Tinkle toes: actually if you really think about, like, besides his grossly scent, Jacob black is, hehe, not to bad if you get what I'm saying.

**Cullen: YOU SLEPT WITH HIM!?**

Tinkle Toes: Holy shit! I never knew that my oh so cultured brother can be oh so dense. No I did not sleep with him! 

_IllustriousMediator: of course she didn't sleep with him. Oh boy Edward, your loosing it man._

_IllustriousMediator: what my little limber firecracker of a female is saying…is that putting aside that you know, wet dog scent, Jacob Black is not too bad to look at._

**Cullen: Oh well that's great to know.**

**Cullen: Bella should be loving this.**

Bella: Ok, Jacob Black aside…

_IllustriousMediator: Yes 'Cullen' quit bringing up Jacob Black._

**Cullen: Witty, you are, aren't you?**

Bella: Oh p.s Edward, what did Emmet want a couple of days ago when he called you into the other room.

**Cullen: It's rather disturbing..**

Tinkle toes: Tellllllll uss!!!

_IllustriousMediator: actually I'm going to have to agree with Eduardo on this one. It's really, well, How can I put this._

_IllustriousMediator: If it weren't so incestually wrong, it would have been great._

Tinkle toes: Oh ahaha! I think I know what you guys are talking about, but incase I don't, elaborate now fools.

Bella: Oh god, look over at Jeremiah Murphy, he's sitting at the end of the row that Alice is in.

**Cullen: Bella!!**

_IllustriousMediator: AHAHHAHA_

Tinkle toes: Clearly the result of being seated in the same row as me. ;)

**Cullen: it's great to know that Jeremiah Murphy's pre-pubescent erectile tendencies are being looked at by my girlfriend.**

Bella: WAIT!!. Edward, tell us what happened.

_IllustriousMediator: Lol… you might as well._

**Cullen: unlike you Jasper, I don't like to exploit the people in my family, even if I am immortally scarred.**

_IllustriousMediator: So your not going to snitch?_

**Cullen: …..**

_Illustrious: Hmmph. Then I guess I am going to._

Bella: Aha! YES!

Tinkle Toes: lol

_IllustriousMediator: Ok, well. Emmet called dear Edso into his room, because Emmet and Rosalie decided to video tape themselves doing…hehe…things. And well, the recording button apparently stopped recording so Emmet called Edward in to press play. Emmet claims he couldn't do it himself because he "couldn't rip himself away from bliss"_

Bella: YOU, ME, TONIGHT EDWARD, AND MY DIGITAL CAMERA.!!!!!!

**Cullen: Lol, sssh. ;)**

Tinkle Toes: Hmm, well look at it this way. Lol, well, on the bright side, Rosalie waxes.

****Cullen has signed out**

****IllustriousMediator has signed out**

Bella: Alice?

Tinkle Toes: Bella?

Bella : AHAHAHHAAH

Tinkle Toes: LMFAO


	8. Chapter 8

Hello lovely people!!

I haven't updated anything in a while; I've been really busy with school and such.

But today is the day! The glorious day that I write some more bull crud after bull crud.

I'm pretty sad that no one has sent me their idea for a chapter , but then I realized, only DUH! Jen, you ain't dat popular foo! (I know you love my ghetto ramble.)

So I figured I would just write a bunch of nothingness, just for the sake of updating.

You know my thing, please review and I shall grant the favor back.

Oh and there's line that I used in this chapter (he's so handsome and rugged, and chiseled, and great), which is from the movie She's The Man, blah blah I don't own it blah blah.

And P.S send me ideas for more chapters! And I shall give the credits for it when I write my opening paragraphs!!

Alright well here goes nothing…right?

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**Bella has signed in**

_Tinkle toes has signed in_

_**TetheredWolfMan has signed in**_

**Bella: why in the heck are you on here so late?**

_Tinkle toes: simply because everyone else is out hunting and by my sheer boredom I bring out the electronics._

**Bella: ;)**

_Tinkle toes: oh Bella, when will you ever learn............_

**Bella: question.**

_Tinkle toes: mhmm?_

**Bella: should I invite j-bee into this conversation?**

_Tinkle toes: oh Bella, do not make mere jokes on a top that is to universal and sensitive_

_Tinkle toes: even if he is so handome…..and rugged….and chiseled….and great…._

**Bella: LOL!!**

_Tinkle toes: yes, lol._

_Tinkle toes: oh look, you now have me hooked on that. LOL. LOL. LMAO. Haha oh we are so lame its great._

_**TetheredWolfMan: hello?**_

**Bella: JAKE!! :D**

_Tinkle toes: ohh what the heck. How are you Jacob Black? Or um…TetheredWolfMan?_

_**TetheredWolfMan: yes well, we can't all be light on our feet and bouncy like some people.**_

**Bella: oh and pfft who are you referring to? And double pfft at the fact that what you said made no sense.**

_Tinkle toes: oh Jacob Black I never knew you owned a computer_

_**TetheredWolfMan: why do you keep calling me by my full name?**_

_Tinkle toes: oh! It's a gesture of kindness._

_**TetheredWolfMan: kindness eh..?**_

**Bella: enough of this indirect flirtation!**

_Tinkle toes: oh Jacob Black. If only you didn't reek of actual crap….._

_**TetheredWolfMan: oh Alice, if only you didn't smell like the sewer and were Bella.**_

**Bella: AHAHAAH! Do not tell Edward about this. LOL**

_Tinkle toes: do not tell Edward what? That your sense of attraction is more so directed to Jacob Black!? Oh BELLA! WHAT WILLWE DO!_

_**TetheredWolfMan: yes well. I need to go do some stuff. **_

_Tinkle toes: stuff, what stuff?_

_**TetheredWolfMan: things that involve…..the computer…and hand crafting.**_

_****TetheredWolfMan has left the conversation****_

**Bella: lol. Come over. I'm, bored and can't sleep.**

_Tinkle toes: sick…very sick boy. Sick mongrel boy. Sick mongrel charming boy._

_Tinkle toes: allow me to take a cold shower and then I am on my way. It's nice to know you use me for your night time conversation when my brother is not there. Silence! I shall be there shortly._

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A/N

Yeah I know it sucked right!? Ugh someone save me from my lack of comedic skills that have temporarily left my soul!!


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